I love it when I get compliments on my photography from complete strangers. Truthfully, I am never completely satisfied with the level of my work. I have a lot of social interaction issues to get over if I want to take my photography to the next level. The only way I know how to do anything is by jumping right in. I quit drinking alcohol like that about three years ago.
I used to be a six pack a night kind of guy. Being hungover was my natural state. One day something inside of me just clicked, I came to the realization that I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. I am looking for that a-ha! moment in my photography. I think I may be hindering myself with notions that people just don’t generally like me.
When I hear laughter I automatically assume they are laughing at me. I always get the sense people are sneering at me. I wonder if that has anything to do with years of mental abuse from the kids I went to public school with. Kids are painfully cruel to each other.
“The weak are meat the strong do eat.”― David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas
That pretty much sums up elementary school through 8th grade. In the eighth grade I finally couldn’t take it any more and beat the hell out of one of my regular tormentors in a bloody, snotty, crying fit of rage. No kid should have to go through that. Ever. Which brings me back to photography.
I want to tackle my fear and beat it into submission until it never comes near me again. I love taking pictures, I’m obsessed with it really. I’m looking for stories to tell. I’m looking for advice. I have ideas. I want to create a series of images of people with strabismus like myself.
I really want to try some nighttime street photography with a flash, but I haven’t purchased an off camera flash yet, and I’m actually a little worried I might get into a fight.
If I can’t get over this social paralysis my photography will never progress. I want to smash this obstacle and create something worthwhile.
I need a story. A reason I can give people who ask me why I’m taking their picture. Something to put them at ease and let them know I am not a threat.
Who knows? Maybe I am overthinking this, but it felt great to get it off my chest. I know what I need to do. I need to be bold and act like I know what I am doing. I need to be the strong instead of the weak.
We are all important, even those of us with low self esteem and mental roadblocks. Being human is complicated.