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a self portrait

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A mall goer kicks up his feet on a chess table on 16th Street.

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A dilapidated structure looms along Highway 285 in the South Park Valley.

I remember this moment. It was quiet, the air was cool up here at 10,000 ft. above sea level. I took a stroll through this sleepy town after driving for hours. I’ll never forget this trip because it was the last one we took with our bus before it kicked the bucket. We camped in the dispersed camping along the Arkansas River. We just hung out, picked up trash, stuck our feet in the water and watched the world go by. I met a transient man who reminded me of Pig Pen from the Peanuts. His face was completely covered in dirt, his clothes were tattered, and he was pulling a cart on his bike that looked like some sort of shrine to all things junky. He kept asking me for weed. I told him, “No man, I don’t have any weed,” and he would just say “But, you just look so STONED.” I had to always be on the lookout for that guy, he just always seemed to be creepin’ around our campsite.

We also met a family traveling across Colorado on their bikes. They had their whole family with them, three kids, a dog, all their gear, the whole nine yards packed up in bike trailers and backpacks. They were an interesting and inspiring crew.

A stranger with a penchant for Golden Retrievers chatted me up about his dogs, the town’s annual river fest, and his disdain for all tourists like me. “We want you to come and spend your money for a few days, then we want you to GET OUT OF HERE.” I often wonder how many others who have passed through this area have encountered this man and endured that speech. I’m willing to bet that it is more than a hundred.

I’m looking for images to send to a gallery show that my photography instructor  insists I should enter. There is no theme, but that has me stifled as to what images to send in. This is one of those images that I contemplate often, I keep coming back to it. It must be the moment that is appealing, the memory of that moment.

I’m swimming through so many images, I look at them until my eyeballs can’t take it anymore, I come away from it feeling stressed out. I’m feeling that pressure to keep taking things up a notch. I’ve done three smaller gallery group shows. I’ve spent the money, provided the prints, and attended the openings. I’ve had the gallery show experience and received positive feedback, but I still somehow find a way to let the self doubt creep in and take over. It doesnt last that long before I remind myself that it doesnt matter what other people think. I’m going to die, before I die I’m going to try and become a photographer. Now if Icould just muster up enough energy and intellect to come up with a good story.

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the colorful sky
interrupted by symbols
nature climbs the pole

Dubble

This image is a collaboration with a man only known as “Jef.” We didn’t know each other before our images were blended together to create the image above. It’s a virtual roll of the dice in this new corner of photography’s social network. Each uploaded image is combined with another random stranger’s work. It’s a fun distraction for those of us always in that photographic mindset. The app is available for free on your iPhone. I love it for its simplicity. I can create images with people halfway around the world in a matter of seconds. Some of the images obviously don’t work but every once in a while you find a diamond in the rough, two unique snowflakes coming together to form one spectacular image. It’s fun. It’s easy. It’s art. It is the wonder of technology on display. It’s Dubble

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what is behind that door?
what soul occupies that space?
who could it be now?

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elderly people
long shadows and bad lighting
unwilling subject

The haiku sums up the way I feel right now. BLAH. Uninspired and unsure of myself, lacking the self confidence to just own the work I create. Tired of apologizing, frustrated with the process.

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I just want to write. I can’t sleep.
I shared this picture so you can see what amuses me.
I’m amused by myself
the people you see
are a reflection of me.
What scares me
What intrigues me
what makes me sick
what makes me smile
the clothes people wear
and the looks they give me.

I’m tired
I worry
I dwell

I can’t change the world
I’m not intelligent enough
but I know it needs changing

the power elite
the feeling of being controlled
yet somehow not having the power to overcome it
the control

mindless games
weekly contests of strength and agility
they distract me from the obvious
from the things that are difficult to contemplate
from the problems that need solving

I feel the need to apologize for what I write
nearly every time I write
I feel like my writing should be good
but I know its crap

If it was good writing,
I would have just said “shit” instead of “crap”
what’s honest about covering up a swear word
with the watered down version of a swear word

that isn’t writing,
that’s bullshit.

It’s a wonder we are not all insane
or are we?

struggling for power
we’ll never stop
war will always be reality
cruelty
injustice
things that don’t make sense
that we just can’t explain
ignorance

I want to believe in change
that every little bit helps
but the truth is
I know better

so I shrug my shoulders
I drive my SUV
I ride my bike

I dream of a better life for myself
and I strive for that

I know there are people suffering
everywhere
all over the world
right now

what am I supposed to do about it?

This is what happens
when you think too much
or is it not enough?

I don’t know. I’m no Einstein.

Mile Haiku

heavy foot falling

vibrating through the rafters

close proximity

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old man, head on hand
fists clenched, body tense, hat low
mindful eyes glancing