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Dope Perspective

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Girl in a dope hat
Power elite reflection
Looming over us

Greetings from my iPhone. I just got back from a movie night with my two boys. I’m completely wired on sour patch kids and cherry coke. That’s a stark contrast from what a Friday night would have looked liked for me 6 years ago.

It’s a little past 11:30 here, creeping up on midnight. Before I met Maizy I would have been feeling sorry for myself and staring down the barrel of a bottle of Miller Lite, making best friends with the bartender and hoping some girl would come find me and drag me out of there. That never happened really and when it did it was never a good thing. The phrase “train wreck” comes to mind.

I used to pride myself in being able to handle my liquor. I always made an effort to try and temper the amount I drank to sustain and maintain that buzz without going over the edge into pukeville. I hate throwing up, it’s just nasty and it hurts.

That amount just kept getting higher for me though, and I’m afraid I probably hurt myself from over indulgence. I haven’t had a drink in 4 years. I just suddenly could not physically stand drinking anymore. I didn’t quit because I’m strong or courageous, I quit because my body told me it was time.

People often seem perplexed when they find out I don’t drink. They’ll say things like: “You mean you don’t drink at all?” And I tell them what I just told you, and they usually just seem dumbfounded by the whole notion and they sort of just drop the whole thing. I feel like maybe I overshared? I’m actually not sure, I find my self in awkward conversations frequently.

I just don’t have the magic touch . That ability to just be able to talk to people in person and have it seem normal. It’s really starting to get to me as I’m progressing along a path that is requiring me to get face to face with people for interviews, presentations, networking, gallery shows, journalism assignments as well as conversations with parents of my daughters classmates. I’m like 1,000 miles out of my comfort zone at all times at this point in my life and it feels like I need a breakthrough so I can let go of some stress. I’m determined to become a journalist in some capacity, and to really have a chance I need to break out of this shell.

The street photography thing is really great for studying people and the up close interaction is something that I have struggled with but have also been able to fight through with moderate success. It’s a start, but I need to improve my interpersonal skills.

I really wanted to just take photos and not have to be the person conducting the interview, producing the video, and editing the story, but I’m starting to realize that is what it’s going to take if I want to achieve my goal.

I suppose I’m searching for some motivation, that one thing that will get me to suck it up and jump into the fray. Will it be the crazy debt I am racking up to pursue this thing? Or maybe it will be the fact that I have a beautiful family to take care of:

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Maybe it will be the desire to prove the naysayers wrong. Tell me I can’t do it and I’ll never stop until I prove you wrong.

Probably a little bit of all that, and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if their were others out there who feel exactly the same way,

I need that wake up call, the drill instructor in your face screaming at you, imploring you to carry on. It’s just so much more difficult trying to be your own drill instructor. Quitting is just so easy.

It’s time for me to take the next step. I don’t have a choice. Learn to overcome my fear of interviewing and interacting with people or give up and walk away from the whole thing I’ve been working towards.

I realize this is a good amount of self talk here, and if you’re still reading that’s cool, but I don’t want to bore you with all the details of my crazy brain and ridiculous hang-ups, I just needed to vent.

So I turn to you, my fellow bloggers, my peer group of choice. You guys all inspire me, I’ve gained a nice following here on WordPress. I’ve read some wonderful stories and received a great amount of positive feedback and encouragement, and I thank all of you for caring enough about a fellow human being to offer your energy and kindness towards me.

You are all like a virtual surrogate family for me. I root for you all everyday, it’s wonderfully therapeutic to connect with people through the written word. I guess this is the modern version of having pen pals. I could never have written 1,080 letters to random people on one night without the wonder of technology. Good night.

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