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Extraocular Muscles

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I keep waiting for something brilliant to just burst out of me, but all I’m left with is this. My damaged brain, still telling me there is two when I know in my heart there is just one. How can I trust my brain when it is always telling lies?

Seeing double is my reality. I have never seen the world any other way. If I open my eyes and relax the whole scene is repeating itself just slightly above the original image skewed diagonally to the upper left,

I see 20 fingers, 6 lights on a stop light, two stop signs, two screens, two keyboards, two shutter buttons, 4 eyes, 4 ears and 2 heads.

I see double. I see your alternate self when you see me in public. Eye contact is such a struggle for me, and double vision is a causal factor. I know how it looks to other people. It’s as if I am talking to air, similar to the way a person with a Bluetooth headset might fool you into thinking they were talking to you.

It confuses people when we try and have a conversation. It’s this whole other conversation I have to have before I can get to the point I wanted to make.

This fact has made me become increasingly less adept at social situations then your average straight eyed person. I think the repetition is what did me in. How many times have I had the conversation with drunk assholes about my lazy eye? How many self deprecating jokes about it over the years? I’ll turn 40 this February. That’s at least 35 years of struggling socially with my stupid eyes. It has shaped me into what I am today.

People have the capacity for hate just as much as they do for love. People will literally hate you for your imperfections. Some folks just never grow up, never mature. I have had grown men ridicule me about my eye The exact same way I remember it from the elementary school bullies.

It brings me down sometimes. I can’t help it. Being imperfect gives you x-ray vision. Ignorance presents itself much more frequently. Maybe that’s a good thing. The way I can see the worst in people before I really even speak to them. Early detection is key in avoiding assholes.

No matter how much I want to believe that most people are inherently good, I am always presented with evidence to the contrary. Nothing is shocking.

Virtual reality scares me, but at least here I don’t have to explain to you why I won’t look you in the eye. I’m judged by the words I communicate and not my weird eyes.

So that’s my problem. My eyes are a constant nuisance and distraction and I’m still hung up on that. We are social beings and I’m cursed with awkwardness in that area. It affects every second of every day that I am alive.

The worst of it is, I shouldn’t even be feeling this. I should be grateful that I can see out of my fucked up eyes. Some people are blind. Some people have disfigured faces, missing limbs, or life threatening illnesses.

I should be grateful for what I have, and I am, but I am only human.

I’ll end with this thought. It’s almost two in the morning. While typing this into my phone I can actually hear my neighbor snoring through the bedroom wall. I’ll take that as a sign it’s time to shut it down for the night.

I always say, why write a diary if no one is going to read it? And so I tell you these thoughts. Good Night.

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13 thoughts on “Extraocular Muscles

  1. “Being imperfect gives you x-ray vision. Ignorance presents itself much more frequently. ” Well said! Great post. We should all be less judgmental about our exteriors. After all, they are merely shells to house our spirits inside.

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  2. Your eyes are what make you who you are … and, you’ve allowed your camera to be your good pair of eyes. And, I’m of the firm belief that people who struggle with differences are stronger, better people … we learn to appreciate life in different ways, and we’re more accepting of others, more tolerant of difference. So, yeah, it can suck having to struggle … but, you sir, can still find the beauty in the world, as your photos prove.

    And, of course, your wife and daughter love you just they way you are ….

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    • I like that analogy, the camera doing the work that my eyes can’t. It is so true that the people who have endured hardship based on their shortcomings are usually the best people to associate yourself with. They can truly empathize. They know what it is to hurt. I’m lucky. I have Maizy and Penny and I’m halfway through college at (almost) 40 years old. Things are looking up for me. 🙂 the Blogging Community: Free Therapy to Improve Mental Health. Thanks for your comments and the time you take to read the stuff I put out there. I appreciate it very much.

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  3. This post hits me hard. You are such a good man. I hear the struggle in your words. You know you are better off than some, but you are also worse off (in this way, anyway) than most. How can an outsider understand? We can control many things in our lives, and do things to make ourselves better, but this is something outside of your control… And it is so true that so many people never grow up. What satisfaction is to be found in making others feel small? It is something I don’t understand, but many others apparently do…

    One thing I’ll say is that I love you how you are taking your pain and turning it into good. You are creating excellent images, which you see twice while we see once. You are using your experiences and seeking out, and digging up, the good in others. Anyone who would mock you for a post such as this should go to hell.

    One question just ’cause I don’t know: Is there nothing at all that can be done to improve your vision?

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    • clearview says:

      As someone who knows firsthand about lazy eye…yes, there IS something Jeremy can do about his vision. First, were glasses worn religiously during your growing years? For newbies to this problem, that goes a long way. Second: there IS a surgical procedure to correct this problem. I noticed on one of your bios that you are a Veteran. Thank you for your service!!! As a Veteran, this surgery can be provided at little or no cost to you. So I must ask you Jeremy; do you elect not to get the surgery because you are now, at almost 40, comfortable in your own skin enough to live with this? Almost like a trusted friend – you know what to expect from your eyesight, there are no surprises. Or…do you elect to not have the surgery, because if you do, you will no longer have a safety net? I am POSITIVE you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

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  4. I love the quote i read somewhere-“everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about”
    Social Life would be so much easier if everyone was as open and honest as you about their own personal battle.
    I agree that blogging is a great way of cutting through the social awkwardness and just getting to the essence of the person. Congratulations on the post and I look forward to reading more.

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